British satirical sketch writer John Crace has dissected the first issue of Nigel Farage's new newspaper, 'The Reformer', in The Guardian. This was reported by Qazaqyia.kz citing The Guardian.
According to Crace, Farage introduces himself as the paper's editor-in-chief. "Let me introduce you to the team. There's me, Nigel. I'm the editor-in-chief. And then there are seven or eight other nobodies whose names escape me," Crace quotes. Farage promises that if readers are not fully satisfied with the Reformer in the first 100 days, he will sack all the people he has "already forgotten".
The article describes a "sensational report that has been hushed up by establishment figures linked to the European Union", which claims migrants are responsible for the failure of this summer's harvest. "It's a total scandal," Farage says. He calls climate change "a hoax perpetuated by leftwing politicians" and says "British summers were much cooler" in the past.
Crace also cites a piece described as "one of the country's biggest surveys of two families", reporting that white people much prefer to live next to white people. The families say their lives are being made a misery by a neighbour called Zia Yusuf. "It's got nothing to do with Zia being a brown Muslim," Trevor Bloke says. "I don't care what colour or religion he is. What's intolerable is that he is a deeply unpleasant person who goes out of his way to be rude to everyone. He thinks he owns the whole street. We all just wish he would leave. It's doing my head in. I'm now on maximum Pip payments for my anxiety and I can no longer work," Crace quotes.
As the paper's "consumer affairs editor", Farage writes a piece about "someone who is clearly black". "We've all had it. An email from someone who is clearly black. A telephone call from someone who is also clearly black. You know they are black because deep down, every black person wants to try to scam your bank account," he writes. Farage adds: "Say what you like about Oswald Mosley, but he would never have tolerated such behaviour." He continues: "What is the easiest way to spot a Nigerian scammer? Just go to the House of Commons. There you will find the criminal mastermind. A woman called Kemi. She claims to be the leader of the opposition, but all she really wants are your credit card details."
Crace also reproduces Farage's interview with himself. "It's late afternoon in autumn. The sun streams through the window, its rays dancing off Nigel's chiselled cheekbones. Nigel is at his most relaxed, mainly because he has just sent his valet, Richard Tice, to the off-licence for a third bottle of champagne. He smiles kindly at me. Reform are well ahead in the polls in third place and he is busy putting the finishing touches to his first speech as prime minister. 'Tell me, Nigel,' I say. 'Why is it that God has sent you down into the world to save Great Britain from all the illegal immigrants? Please can you also talk me through your magnificent byelection victory against a comedian with a bin on his head?'" Crace writes.
The article includes a joke about football. "In a stunning triumph for Brexit Britain, England's Harry Kane has seen off countless other black and foreign footballers to be crowned the world's best footballer in a glittering Ballon d'Or ceremony in London. Speaking exclusively to Reform, Kane's best friend, Nigel Farage, said: 'It's about time a white Englishman won this. Harry would never have been able to do this if we hadn't left the European Union. Just think what might have happened if footballers had freedom of movement. Harry might have ended up playing for some deadbeat team like Bayern Munich. Then he would have remained an unknown. So, really, Harry owes it all to me,'" Crace quotes.
Finally, Crace reproduces a letter in the "Dear Nigel" agony aunt column. "Dear Nigel, I recently got married and it should have been the happiest day of my life. Instead it became the worst. First, discovered that the man who had promised me he was rich enough to be worth divorcing my first husband for had only bought premium economy seats for our honeymoon in the US. Then I discovered that British Airways – a disgrace of a national carrier – had deliberately delayed the departure of our plane to maximise our inconvenience and then lost an item of luggage. My husband, Thicky Dicky, as I affectionately call him, yelled: 'Don't you know who I am?' and the person on the desk said: 'We know exactly who you are.' Please help us seek redress. Yours, Isabel Oakeshott, Dubai," the letter reads. Farage replies: "Dear Isabel, I am sorry to hear your distressing story. Please send me £80 and I will do a Cameo video calling for every..." — the article ends there.